If you'd looked up in the tech booth yesterday morning at Otter Creek, you would have seen me pacing. Back and forth, back and forth. Shaking my hands, waiting. It's because our presentation software, MediaShout, was acting up. The presentation was taking minutes to open when it should take seconds. I had tried opening it up at 9:50 and at 9:55, it still wasn't open. I restarted the computer, and by 10:01 it still wasn't open and Murray had to start the worship time. It finally opened up during the first song, and we had some issues with it later, but it ended up ok.
I take a lot of pride in what I do in the tech booth, trying to make it as seamless as possible and as unnoticeable as it can be, to make the worship service very smooth from a tech perspective, but there are simply times that I have done everything I can to make something work and it just doesn't.
And I hate it.
I want to be in control. I want to be the one making sure that everything goes smoothly and when it doesn't, I feel like it reflects badly on me. I know it doesn't because most people understand tech issues. But it doesn't make me want to succeed any less.
What I have to understand is that I'm not in control. I'm subject to the whims of technical snafus, but even more importantly, I'm subject forces out of my control. I'm subject to temptations from the Enemy and I'm subject to God's Hand in my life. In some ways, realizing that should be freeing, but it isn't in a lot of ways. It makes me frustrated that I'm not the master of my own destiny or even a Sunday morning. I'd have thought that in my late 30s, I'd have a better understanding of that truth, but I don't yet. And perhaps yesterday was an exercise in that realization.
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This is a huge deal with many people (myself included). A lot of American culture is pushing and striving for self-sufficiency - which is a great thing from a "this-world" perspective, but not so great from a Christian perspective.
I'll take any opportunity to slam the ratings-grabbing news industry, so here goes. I believe that CNN, Fox News, etc use this fear of being out of control to scare us into watching more of their shows. This has helped to spiral us even further into worrying, proud and discontent people - three very UN-Christian adjectives.
The only thing I noticed yesterday was JP dancing in the booth during the songs. :-)
I had this exact conversation w/ a law school friend last night. Although it was less about tech-booth issues and more about unemployment ones. But it's something I really struggle with. I sometimes try to delude myself by saying I only get frustrated with a situation because of the unknown - that if I knew what was coming, I could be content with the unpleasant things while they last. But really, even if I knew what was coming, I'd want to change it.
It's the downside to the gift of free will. We are given freedom to make choices, and with those come consequences both good and bad, but it leads us to erroneously conclude that we control more than we do.
I like being in control too. I had a therapist tell me once that I needed to repeat this every day (sometimes several times a day): There is a God and I'm not it.
If it's any comfort to you, I have the same trouble sometimes with EasyWorship.
I like being in control.
Sometimes I don't like being in the control booth.
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